When You Can't Find Light, Draw Darkness.

Written By: Matthew Tegge

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“Creativity can be fickle,” Oren Studer told me, reflecting on how the very thing that has fueled his art—his struggle with depression—can also threaten to steal it away. His journey has been shaped in large part by the DNA of his alcoholic father and the suicide of his stepfather. He told me, “I have been drawing for as long as I can remember. Growing up, I guess it was how I processed life at home, which was not great, to say the least. Throughout my life, creativity has always been my choice coping mechanism.”  It’s clear to see that even before his stepfather’s passing, Oren used his art as a way to escape from an often turbulent home life. The difficulties he faced at home forced him to find the delicate balance between pain and creation. History has shown that some of the greatest creators of all time have walked the razors edge between madness and genius. What is it about creativity that invites darkness? Or is it darkness that invites creativity? Perhaps it is something else entirely, my interview with Oren helped me delve into the topic further.

I’ve known Oren since high-school and I think we can all agree that high-school is never easy. Oren had his own unique challenges, however. He was very small for his age and had a mouthful of braces. He was in marching band and wanted to be a comic book artist, drawing his original character every chance he could get. Beyond his physicality and less than mainstream interests, he dealt with mistreatment at home at the hands of his stepfather. Any child would grow to resent someone when they are faced with regular abuse of any kind, and Oren was no different. Because of these latent feelings, when his stepfather passed Oren was dealt a complicated emotional blow. He grappled with conflicting emotions of grief, relief, guilt and most of all an anger he’s carried with him his entire life.

After entering adulthood, the coping mechanisms Oren relied on began to evolve. Alcohol became another way for him to numb the pain. But soon, he realized it wasn't helping him cope—it was suffocating his creativity. For years his passion for art was subdued by his depression and alcoholism, but he eventually found himself again.  “…I just drifted away from it. A few years after I got sober however, I came back to it [drawing], and I cannot tell you how much I missed it, like my soul coming back.” He went on to talk about his mental health and its influence on his creative process, “…Depression has been one of my biggest challenges. I’ve found there is a sweet spot. Depression has enabled me to create some of my best pieces, but if I fall too deep into it, my creativity stagnates.” Continuing later, “Up until recently, that has been a precarious peak. Creativity was how I balanced my mental health. My poor mental health nurtured my creativity. It’s honestly been more of a struggle lately to be creative now that I’m generally in good spirits.”

Oren is thirty-six now and has moved from his childhood state of Wisconsin to California in pursuit of his dream career. Oren tattoos as an apprentice out of Tattoo Madness in Folsom, California and works another fulltime job on top of it. He endures a grueling schedule, finding a way to work full time while creating artwork and tattooing extensively. He does all of this while maintaining sobriety and a healthy romantic relationship, showing incredible dedication.

For Oren, tattoos are more than just a part of his job. They are a form of expression, a way of coping with the pain and the darkness that has followed him throughout his life. His work is a reflection of the battles he’s fought within, and the creative process itself serves as both a source of healing and a challenge. “…My state of mind is inextricably tied to the subject matter of my art. If my pieces contain skulls, demons, devils, it’s safe to assume I’m trying to process something I’m struggling with…depression has been my longest adversary. It manifests in dark, extremely detailed pieces. It’s easier to express pain through a piece that I’ve spent weeks pouring my soul into than it is to convey through writing.”

He told me that depression can manifest in his artwork as dark, extremely detailed pieces. It shows how he fixates, that sometimes he’s desperately grasping for some control, and he pours it into the piece he’s working on. These are struggles we can all empathize with. As a creative with ADHD, I sometimes write in fitful bursts, the world fades away, as do my responsibilities, and I write. It’s not always healthy or advisable, but it’s what I do. Oren digs deep into his creative reserves to find some light in the darkness, and when he can’t seem to find any, he creates it.

Now nearly eight years sober his dreams are within his grasp. He lives with his long-term partner, V. and he loves her deeply. He’s moved to beautiful California and is building every day towards his future. His friends and family are proud of him, I count myself among them so I can attest to it…and he’s just getting started.

It's hard to say why creativity and mental health are so intertwined. Hearing of Oren's journey, perhaps the connection is simply that hurt people reach for things to steady themselves. We reach for something we can rely on in hard times, something we can lose ourselves in. For creatives, that becomes our medium of choice. It isn't that creativity invites darkness, it's that it helps us to stave it off, however briefly. How does art, tattooing, or creativity itself help stave away the demons that plague many of us? I think what creativity may provide, not just for Oren but for all of us, is hope. I can think of few feelings more potent than hope to be used as a weapon against depression. In the act of creation, we find our own power, we can control what is happening in those tiny moments of expression. Even if the world as we know it is burning down around us we can take to our medium and find some peace, and a hope for something new. When a person is fighting against their own existence, feelings of hopefulness at the outcome of a piece, or pride in its completion could literally mean the difference between life and death. We as creatives are tasked with providing the world with something that has always been needed: color. When facing an illness like depression – one that so often seems to drive all color from view – that is a magnificent gift.

Parting Message

To craft from darkness the spark one needs to keep moving forward is nothing short of magic. Thusly it is no exaggeration to say that Oren Studer is a wizard of ink. Whether it is on the skin of his clients, or across the many pages of his notebooks, what he leaves behind is a twilight radiance of his own design; the light he crafted from the darkness.

May we all find the strength Oren has shown in his life. Perhaps the lesson we are left with is that it’s never too late to dream. You are never beyond redemption, and no matter the darkness you face, it is within us all to create a little spark.

Hope resides there—in that spark. It is nestled in your palm, pulsing like a heartbeat soft and steady, and it promises more with every breath.

Breathe, move forward, and if there seems to be nothing left for you – create.

We are wizards, each of us. Wizards of ink, of words, or of clay. Wizards of paint, or emotion, or sweat.

Oren found his magic again through sobriety and effort, and he found no small amount of hope with it. Now it's your turn.

Find some hope, go do some magic, and most of all:

Keep coping, friends.

To reach out to Oren you can find him at the Tattoo Madness website:
https://tattoomadness916.com, 

or on his Instagram:

@o.s.tattoos